Last night, Jeff and I were watching tv, and he was being uncharacteristically quiet. I asked him if he was ok, and he said yeah, and that he just had a stomach ache. This isnt uncommon for him, so I said I was sorry and went back to the tv. Later, of course, I still asked him to cuddle up with me in bed and talk, and he obliged, saying it was because I was a loony preggo. Eventually, I fell asleep, and he went to play video games with his friends online. At some point in the middle of the night, I heard him get up from bed, and quietly close our bedroom door, with him on the other side of it- sleeping on the couch. Something he only does when he feels really sick. This morning, at 6:45, the door reopened with him hobbling in, doubled over in pain, whispering that he thought he might need to go to the hospital.
I got alarmed, I wont lie.
His dad graciously came over to be with Bailey, and we were on our way to the emergency room. Upon arrival, we were ushered right in, and they started tests on him right away. After a CT scan, the doctor confirmed what he, and we, had suspected all along: Appendicitis. This is what had him doubling over, dying in pain, not being able to walk. It was horrible to witness- I've never seen Jeff cry, I've never seen him so helpless. He is the strong one, not me! And Im a pregnant loon these days! They readied him for surgery immediately, and sent him on his way. It was crazy, and obviously out of our control.
When the surgeon came to the waiting room to let me know how it had gone, he told me that it was good that we were urgent about coming in, because when the appendix came out, it was verrrrrry inflamed and irritated, and even just a few hours more could have been enough to rupture it. It seemed really unreal, and really lucky that it all worked out ok.
I know that appendectomy's are pretty common, and rarely done wrong. I never thought crazy thoughts about Jeff not waking up from surgery, or that he would bleed out or something like that. What felt jarring to me was how out of control the whole situation was. He feels sick like, 4 times a month. Yet this time, it was something real. Something serious. And I had to be the strong one, something Im not very used to. It made me realize how out of control life is, and how honestly, we arent in control of anything at all. This may sound like a "duh" but to me, it sounds like a "holy sh*t." I dont like being out of control, friends. I hated today. I hated seeing him in pain, throwing up in bags, writhing on a hospital bed, and I couldnt do anything. I hated being away from Bailey (even though she was in great hands) all day long, not feeling her little arms wrapped around my leg, asking "wheres daddy?"
Today, I was reminded that my life is not my own. It was terrifying and beautiful all at once. Along with Jeffs sudden surgery, there were an enormous amount of shootings in Seattle today for some reason. Today, a lot of innocent people died randomly, and it scared me. This world is gross and upsetting. There is a sick amount of crime right now- murder, robberies, drig busts... I know that things like this have been going on forever, but media coverage and stupid facebook make them so obvious and huge, and I hate knowing all these details. Honestly, Id rather live in ignorant bliss, even if that makes me sound naive and ridiculous. How do you look past the sickness of the world you live in? how do you look past random appendectomy's that take up your whole day? I guess you have to choose to see the beauty...
Today was beautiful in a way because I was reminded that my life is not my own. Its beautiful to realize that god has everythingi n his sturdy hands, and you are not required to carry anything in your own small hands. Tonight, I broke down on the phone with my mom, crying that i just needed to feel the emotions of the day, and after I got off the phone I was drying my tears thinking, "God, I just feel really confused." And immediately, he reminded me of this verse: "Be Still, and know that I am God."I felt peace coursing through my veins. He is God. I am not. And that is how its meant to be, and how its meant to stay. Ill never understand why violence happens in the world, why there is pain to be felt, and why innocent people die. But I do know that god is a big god, who has a plan and a purpose for everything. Maybe crap happens so that we can be grateful for the good in our lives. I dont know. But I know that my hands are not made for this on purpose. I am made to depend on him. And while that is one of the hardest things to understand, Ill accept it, and know its for my best.
Today was weird. Today was hard. But today, Jeff and I both survived, and tomorrow is a new day. And when the time comes for us to give up our tomorrow, our eternity will be better than this silly world anyway.
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Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Monday, May 28, 2012
One more beautiful thing...
In Other news, this just made me bawl my eyes out. I follow this gals blog, and this couple is so incredibly beautiful.
Its Monday!
A national holiday, Memorial Day. I, however, am getting ready for work, and Bailey is sitting on the floor with a menagerie of Toy Story figurines surrounding her, growling to her hearts content. The house is a mess of dishes, food bits, and laundry. Its raining outside, and its raining in my heart.
Just kidding, its only raining outside. Lol. Sometimes it just feels right to fake some drama.
Lately, Ive been thinking a lot about parenting styles, and different expectations we have in general in life. I think personally, I am a fairly laid back kind of mama who doesnt care too much about letting my kids run free, yell like kids do, and make messes. Ill admit, I have a hyper little one who sometimes gets really excited in the presence of other kids, and its not unheard of for her to smash children in hugs. She can be a bit of a space invader (not like the martian kind). But I like that about her! I like letting her be free, I like letting her yell and make messes. I dont protect her from every bump and bruise because I know she needs to be able to get hurt sometimes to learn for the next time. However, I have people in my life who do NOT parent the same way I do. I have many friends whose main concern in to worry for their kids. I know people whose kids NEVER get bumps and bruises because they are always holding mom and dads hand. Kids who cry when Bailey gets too close to them, because they have "personal space bubbles." Ill admit, its my inclination to get annoyed with parents like this, and sometimes I do, Ill tell you. Im good at rolling my eyes and laughing with Bailey as soon as I get in my car after a play date. But I think what Im realizing is that Im sure parents have balked at my yelling child before, and have raised their eyebrows at her not listening to me for the 4th time. And this all results in me realizing that EVERY PARENT IS DIFFERENT. We do what works for us. And what works for us is not what works for everyone else. And what everyone else does doesnt necessarily work for us. And thats ok. As parents, we do what we NEED to do to get through the every day. We do what our parents taught us (sometimes good, sometimes bad). We do what keeps us stress free, and what keeps our kids happy. And, I think what Im realizing overall is that its all ok.
A national holiday, Memorial Day. I, however, am getting ready for work, and Bailey is sitting on the floor with a menagerie of Toy Story figurines surrounding her, growling to her hearts content. The house is a mess of dishes, food bits, and laundry. Its raining outside, and its raining in my heart.
Just kidding, its only raining outside. Lol. Sometimes it just feels right to fake some drama.
Lately, Ive been thinking a lot about parenting styles, and different expectations we have in general in life. I think personally, I am a fairly laid back kind of mama who doesnt care too much about letting my kids run free, yell like kids do, and make messes. Ill admit, I have a hyper little one who sometimes gets really excited in the presence of other kids, and its not unheard of for her to smash children in hugs. She can be a bit of a space invader (not like the martian kind). But I like that about her! I like letting her be free, I like letting her yell and make messes. I dont protect her from every bump and bruise because I know she needs to be able to get hurt sometimes to learn for the next time. However, I have people in my life who do NOT parent the same way I do. I have many friends whose main concern in to worry for their kids. I know people whose kids NEVER get bumps and bruises because they are always holding mom and dads hand. Kids who cry when Bailey gets too close to them, because they have "personal space bubbles." Ill admit, its my inclination to get annoyed with parents like this, and sometimes I do, Ill tell you. Im good at rolling my eyes and laughing with Bailey as soon as I get in my car after a play date. But I think what Im realizing is that Im sure parents have balked at my yelling child before, and have raised their eyebrows at her not listening to me for the 4th time. And this all results in me realizing that EVERY PARENT IS DIFFERENT. We do what works for us. And what works for us is not what works for everyone else. And what everyone else does doesnt necessarily work for us. And thats ok. As parents, we do what we NEED to do to get through the every day. We do what our parents taught us (sometimes good, sometimes bad). We do what keeps us stress free, and what keeps our kids happy. And, I think what Im realizing overall is that its all ok.
Source: stylesight.com via Casey on Pinterest
Friday, May 18, 2012
22 Weeks?! How did THAT happen?!
Happy Friday, Friends!
I accidentally took a two week blogging break, but I swear, I really did have some reasoning.... mainly, both of our computers were broken :/ Not a good look on us, oops. But, the laptop is back in black, and it just feels right!
Well, here is some fun news:
WE ARE HAVING A LITTLE GIRL!!!!!
Thats right, two little ladies! I wont lie, I panicked a little upon learning these facts, but now, Im pumped beyond belief. I have zero idea personally what sisters are like, but I know that its going to be great, and clearly, this is what God knew was best for us. So we are so excited :)
Heres how things are going right now:
How many weeks?: 22! More than halfway there! thats nuts!!!
How Im Feeling: Pretty good for the most part
Showing Yet?: Oh honey....yes.
Cravings: Fruit, veggies, and nachos. Usually, I give in to the nachos first.
Movement?: All the time!!! I love it!!
Gender: Girl!!!
Maternity Clothes?: Pretty much all the time now
Still Working?: Yes, and next month my new permanent schedule goes into effect! 4 six hour shifts, instead of 3 twelves.... soooooo excited.
Got a name picked out?: yes! We are going with Penelope Louise. And then, we can call her Penny Lou. :) We are so excited!
Its crazy surreal to think that this baby is going to be here in just a matter of months... A family of four?! Loony Toony! But we cant wait.
I accidentally took a two week blogging break, but I swear, I really did have some reasoning.... mainly, both of our computers were broken :/ Not a good look on us, oops. But, the laptop is back in black, and it just feels right!
Well, here is some fun news:
WE ARE HAVING A LITTLE GIRL!!!!!
Thats right, two little ladies! I wont lie, I panicked a little upon learning these facts, but now, Im pumped beyond belief. I have zero idea personally what sisters are like, but I know that its going to be great, and clearly, this is what God knew was best for us. So we are so excited :)
Heres how things are going right now:
How many weeks?: 22! More than halfway there! thats nuts!!!
How Im Feeling: Pretty good for the most part
Showing Yet?: Oh honey....yes.
Cravings: Fruit, veggies, and nachos. Usually, I give in to the nachos first.
Movement?: All the time!!! I love it!!
Gender: Girl!!!
Maternity Clothes?: Pretty much all the time now
Still Working?: Yes, and next month my new permanent schedule goes into effect! 4 six hour shifts, instead of 3 twelves.... soooooo excited.
Got a name picked out?: yes! We are going with Penelope Louise. And then, we can call her Penny Lou. :) We are so excited!
Its crazy surreal to think that this baby is going to be here in just a matter of months... A family of four?! Loony Toony! But we cant wait.
Source: dosfamily.com via Casey on Pinterest
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Monday, April 30, 2012
Boy? Or Girl?
On Friday, we find out if our little baby peach is a lady or a gent. And Ill tell you....... IM SO FREAKING EXCITED! I know that naturally, Jeff is hoping more for a boy, and while obviously a boy would be ammmaaaazing, I truly dont care WHAT it is. The pluses are huge on both sides! Here is my logic:
*I always knew I wanted a girl at some point. So, since Bailey is here and is the best ever, Im just incredibly thankful for her, and her ladylike ways,
*If Bailey HADNT been a boy, I would be hoping for a girl this time.
*If this babe is a boy, I will be overjoyed at the opportunity to be blessed with both. A brother and a sister. Beautiful. I have a brother who is two years younger than me, and he is one of my best friends.
*If this baby is a girl, we will be blessed with the experience of SISTERS, which I know nothing about, but that would be the exciting part! TWO girls?! What a household!
So there is my logic! Pretty solid, Id say. With both options, I am picturing the little peach's life in different ways, both equally beautiful. With a boy, I picture him playing baseball with Jeff in our front yard in the sun (clearly, we dont live in Washington in this daydream, because obviously, we dont have sun in reality here). I picture him jumping off everything, climbing like a mad man, doing everything acrobatic waaaaay earlier than Bailey has. I picture Jeff and I teaching him how to be nice to girls, how girls hearts are so different than boys hearts. I picture him loving Jesus through and through.
When I picture a little girl, I picture her looking up to her big sister, and wanting to be just like her. then, in the future, I picture her stealing Baileys clothes, and Bailey is pisssssed. Oh, the joys of sisters. Honestly, I picture a lot of DJ and Stephanie Tanner, if we are being real here. I mean, they ARE the best example of sisters, right??? I picture this new little girl being different than Bailey, but how, Im not so sure yet. Honestly, we are still figuring out Baileys personality. I picture a head full of brown curls. And an infectious laugh.
Life is about to change forever here on Friday. We find out just the first hint of who this little person is, what God has planned for them, and for us. Im so incredibly excited to dive just a little deeper into this dream <3
XOXO,
Me.
*I always knew I wanted a girl at some point. So, since Bailey is here and is the best ever, Im just incredibly thankful for her, and her ladylike ways,
*If Bailey HADNT been a boy, I would be hoping for a girl this time.
*If this babe is a boy, I will be overjoyed at the opportunity to be blessed with both. A brother and a sister. Beautiful. I have a brother who is two years younger than me, and he is one of my best friends.
*If this baby is a girl, we will be blessed with the experience of SISTERS, which I know nothing about, but that would be the exciting part! TWO girls?! What a household!
So there is my logic! Pretty solid, Id say. With both options, I am picturing the little peach's life in different ways, both equally beautiful. With a boy, I picture him playing baseball with Jeff in our front yard in the sun (clearly, we dont live in Washington in this daydream, because obviously, we dont have sun in reality here). I picture him jumping off everything, climbing like a mad man, doing everything acrobatic waaaaay earlier than Bailey has. I picture Jeff and I teaching him how to be nice to girls, how girls hearts are so different than boys hearts. I picture him loving Jesus through and through.
When I picture a little girl, I picture her looking up to her big sister, and wanting to be just like her. then, in the future, I picture her stealing Baileys clothes, and Bailey is pisssssed. Oh, the joys of sisters. Honestly, I picture a lot of DJ and Stephanie Tanner, if we are being real here. I mean, they ARE the best example of sisters, right??? I picture this new little girl being different than Bailey, but how, Im not so sure yet. Honestly, we are still figuring out Baileys personality. I picture a head full of brown curls. And an infectious laugh.
Life is about to change forever here on Friday. We find out just the first hint of who this little person is, what God has planned for them, and for us. Im so incredibly excited to dive just a little deeper into this dream <3
Source: thewiegands.com via Aline on Pinterest
XOXO,
Me.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Beauty From Ashes.
This is what I have tattooed, among zillions of other things, on my right arm. Most all of my tattoos are words- reminders, really- that I wanted on my body in permanence so that I would never forget their meaning to me. Beauty From Ashes was a cover up for scars scattered along my arm, and I knew when I covered those scars, I wanted to put a message that would remind me why I was covering them. Beauty From Ashes was perfect- The scars themselves were ashes of my past, and beauty can always come from overcoming your past. Moving on is beauty in itself. Moreover, it was a message I wanted to see forever to remind me to look at the good things in life. "Lord, Let Me Sow Love Where There Is Hatred" adorns my right arm, and its by far my favorite of all my tattoos, because the artist- the amaaaaaazing Jimmy from Seattle Tattoo Emporium- drew it straight from his head to my skin with a sharpie! incredible!
The words "Lord Let Me Sow Love Where There Is Hatred", Ill admit, was stolen from a sweatshirt..... I know. Im gross. But that phrase stood out to me so much. To find love, to create love, to choose love- in an ugly, hateful place? Magnificent. We have all been in rough places physically and mentally in life, and sometimes the absolute hardest thing to do is choose joy over sorrow. honestly, almost all of my tattooed script are different ways of saying "Let go of the ugly. Hold Tight to the beauty." Its a constant battle for so many of us, isnt it?
That brings me to life right now. As you know, I am a 19 week pregnantbig little lady, and Ill tell you- I am much more mentally pregnant than I am physically. I am so freaking emotional about so many ridiculous things, its a miracle Im still married. My wonnnnnderful husband has really taken the brunt of my crazy (why do we take life out on the ones we love the most?!), and after I freak out over bank statements, groceries, and how ugly I think my hair looks, I always have to come groveling to him in apologies, because it takes me a few minutes to realize Im a full blown nut job, and none of my looniness is his fault in the slightest.
Now, I know that I cant really turn off my hormones, but what I can do is focus on what I know is true, and perhaps remember all those reminders I have on my body in deep, permanent ink. "Wake Up, O Sleeper" is on my wrists, a verse to remind me to be dead to my old sinful life, and be alive in where I am now. If Im feeling crazy, I really dont have to give in to that crazy, and take it out on everyone I know. "Love Never Fails" is on the inside of my elbow, to remind me that when life hands you crap- as it always does- you can never go wrong with love. Specifically in my relationship with Jeff- you can never love too much, you can never go wrong with loving above all else. Ohhhhhh, how I need to remember that right now! "Let go" is a banner being held by two doeves on my hip bones, and the meaning is simple: Let Go, and Let God. i am constantly worrying, overthinking and overanalyzing, and basically mentally ruining whatever God has planned for my life with my nonsense thoughts. Im sure the good lord laughs at how much time I waste on thinking about things that are out of my control.
These are just a few of the reminders I see on my body daily, but their significance is something I shouldnt ever take lightly. As humans, we are fighting a hearty battle every day. I know Im never going to be perfect in my thoughts, and it is only natural to be a hormonal joke when you are pregnant, but I figure I should take my own advice, right? Let go. Find the beauty in ashes. Know that love never fails. Wake up, and move on from your old life. Sow love where there is hatred.
Easy enough, right? ;)
XOXO,
Me.
This is what I have tattooed, among zillions of other things, on my right arm. Most all of my tattoos are words- reminders, really- that I wanted on my body in permanence so that I would never forget their meaning to me. Beauty From Ashes was a cover up for scars scattered along my arm, and I knew when I covered those scars, I wanted to put a message that would remind me why I was covering them. Beauty From Ashes was perfect- The scars themselves were ashes of my past, and beauty can always come from overcoming your past. Moving on is beauty in itself. Moreover, it was a message I wanted to see forever to remind me to look at the good things in life. "Lord, Let Me Sow Love Where There Is Hatred" adorns my right arm, and its by far my favorite of all my tattoos, because the artist- the amaaaaaazing Jimmy from Seattle Tattoo Emporium- drew it straight from his head to my skin with a sharpie! incredible!
The words "Lord Let Me Sow Love Where There Is Hatred", Ill admit, was stolen from a sweatshirt..... I know. Im gross. But that phrase stood out to me so much. To find love, to create love, to choose love- in an ugly, hateful place? Magnificent. We have all been in rough places physically and mentally in life, and sometimes the absolute hardest thing to do is choose joy over sorrow. honestly, almost all of my tattooed script are different ways of saying "Let go of the ugly. Hold Tight to the beauty." Its a constant battle for so many of us, isnt it?
That brings me to life right now. As you know, I am a 19 week pregnant
Now, I know that I cant really turn off my hormones, but what I can do is focus on what I know is true, and perhaps remember all those reminders I have on my body in deep, permanent ink. "Wake Up, O Sleeper" is on my wrists, a verse to remind me to be dead to my old sinful life, and be alive in where I am now. If Im feeling crazy, I really dont have to give in to that crazy, and take it out on everyone I know. "Love Never Fails" is on the inside of my elbow, to remind me that when life hands you crap- as it always does- you can never go wrong with love. Specifically in my relationship with Jeff- you can never love too much, you can never go wrong with loving above all else. Ohhhhhh, how I need to remember that right now! "Let go" is a banner being held by two doeves on my hip bones, and the meaning is simple: Let Go, and Let God. i am constantly worrying, overthinking and overanalyzing, and basically mentally ruining whatever God has planned for my life with my nonsense thoughts. Im sure the good lord laughs at how much time I waste on thinking about things that are out of my control.
These are just a few of the reminders I see on my body daily, but their significance is something I shouldnt ever take lightly. As humans, we are fighting a hearty battle every day. I know Im never going to be perfect in my thoughts, and it is only natural to be a hormonal joke when you are pregnant, but I figure I should take my own advice, right? Let go. Find the beauty in ashes. Know that love never fails. Wake up, and move on from your old life. Sow love where there is hatred.
Easy enough, right? ;)
XOXO,
Me.
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